"Pretty much. I remember a few things, but not many. The crash messed a lot of things up," Isabel explained. "But I think based on the little bit I do remember, I like being me now, instead of her."
"Yeah, something like that." She left it at that, the topic of Kivar was a little too much to get into. "I have to. Because my brothers are there. And my place is with them."
Rikku nodded. "That's good, right? I mean, it would be hard if it were the other way around. And ... maybe she had different experiences shaping her and all that. It's weird to think about, being someone different than who you were."
"I ... oh. I didn't realize about family. That makes it harder, huh? I'm sorry. That's ... yeah. My ... my cousin is back home. I was her Guardian. Protect her, even if it means my life, you know? Now I'm here. Some Guardian." She laughed, a touch bitterly.
"Exactly. Which is why I try not to. It's easier."
Isabel tilted her head, "Maybe you're here because what'll you'll learn here will help you protect her. Being here is different. It opens your mind up in some ways."
Rikku shivered. "I can't ... I don't know if I can wrap my mind around that. You know? Oh. Sorry. Not to be, uh. That sounds weird." She blushed.
And bit her lip. "No, I'm here because you have machina here and you know how it works, and we have nothing and we need to rebuild, so someone had to ..." Her voice trailed off, and she looked away for a few seconds before looking back. "That's ... not really true. I think maybe I'm really here because I'm so tired of being there. Everything's been dead for so long and I'm tired of the Yevonites and all the dying and I couldn't sit there and watch Yunie fade away. I just ... wanted to get away. Is that horrible?"
"Let's just say in some ways? I'm so far out on the River Denial, I'm getting one hell of a tan." Isabel was pretty sure Rikku wouldn't get the reference, but at the same time, it was the best way to summarize how she felt.
"Oh Rikku, no, it's not. There's nothing wrong with wanting a life of your own," she said quietly. "You've got the right to want to be happy."
"I ... I think I know the feeling." Rikku smiled back at her, not entirely getting the reference, but Denial was pretty universal. "You mean because of ... going back, and all that?"
"I know, I guess. Just ... Yuna? She's the one who gave up everything. She should be happy, and she isn't, so what gives me the right, you know?" She shook her head. "So I feel guilty about being happy, but not enough to go back and be miserable. Fun, huh?"
It wasn't her business, but... "You ... you have the right, too. To be happy. You know? I mean, you have to go back, for your family and to fix things, but ... I don't know."
"What she did, what happened while I was there, going back, my friends leaving in a few weeks," she listed. "Take your pick."
"I think the question to ask is, would she want you to be happy?" Isabel asked, reaching for yet more chocolate. "But I know what you mean. When I came here, I left my brothers home in Roswell to deal with all the alien angst. Sometimes I felt guilty because I was having fun and they were trying to keep themselves alive."
"I'm trying. Sometimes I have to fake it. But more often then not, lately it's real."
Rikku shook her head. "Whoa. That's, uh. That's one heck of a bad week you have going. Month, even. I'm surprised you have any chocolate left."
"She, uh. She would, but that's because ... she's nicer than me. She'd want anyone to be happy and never worry about herself at all, and just be sad and miserable." She shook her head. "And ... maybe it's the same thing, you know? Maybe you coming here is ... you'll be able to go back and help them. I mean, really help them, and you wouldn't if you didn't?"
"Maybe this all happens for a reason, and we're all here to ... help each other." She smiled a bit wistfully. "And ... and I'm glad. That you're happy, here. It's ... it's an incredible place."
"I'm used to it at this point," Isabel shrugged. "And it's either deal or curl up on the bed and cry. Where's the fun in that?"
"Ultimately I hope I can help them. But even if I can't, I still want to be there with them." She nodded, smiling at Rikku's words. "Yeah, it is an incredible place. My life would be so different if I hadn't come here."
Rikku laughed. "That's kind of ... you know, we were on this pilgrimage, right? And it was a total suicide thing, and it was crazy, and yet ... we goofed off and joked and laughed the whole time. As much as we could. We tried to. Because if you're probably going to get yourself killed anyway, then you might as well enjoy what time you have left, right?"
And then sat up straighter. "Oh, wow, not that anyone where you're from is gonna get killed, because ... I didn't mean ... please tell me that did not sound as bad as I think it did."
Facepalming meant more chocolate. "I think everyone's would have. I wonder if this place is some kind of ... I don't know. I don't know if I believe in destiny and all that. Maybe I should. Maybe we're supposed to be here. And ... learn some things, to fix where we're from. Not just machina, but ... I don't know."
"No it's okay, I get it. We did the same," Isabel said. At least eventually they had, once her team learned to trust her.
"That's the best explanation I've ever heard for this place. I've learned a lot being here. Not just facts but things about myself that I never would have expected."
Rikku smiled. "It's kinda, you know. What you have to do. I think so, anyway."
She considered. "It's oddly reassuring, thinking that. That we're all supposed to be here and ... and that it's part of some bigger thing. We help each other out and help our universes out and ... wow. Makes your head spin a little, yeah?"
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"Yeah, something like that." She left it at that, the topic of Kivar was a little too much to get into. "I have to. Because my brothers are there. And my place is with them."
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"I ... oh. I didn't realize about family. That makes it harder, huh? I'm sorry. That's ... yeah. My ... my cousin is back home. I was her Guardian. Protect her, even if it means my life, you know? Now I'm here. Some Guardian." She laughed, a touch bitterly.
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Isabel tilted her head, "Maybe you're here because what'll you'll learn here will help you protect her. Being here is different. It opens your mind up in some ways."
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And bit her lip. "No, I'm here because you have machina here and you know how it works, and we have nothing and we need to rebuild, so someone had to ..." Her voice trailed off, and she looked away for a few seconds before looking back. "That's ... not really true. I think maybe I'm really here because I'm so tired of being there. Everything's been dead for so long and I'm tired of the Yevonites and all the dying and I couldn't sit there and watch Yunie fade away. I just ... wanted to get away. Is that horrible?"
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"Oh Rikku, no, it's not. There's nothing wrong with wanting a life of your own," she said quietly. "You've got the right to want to be happy."
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"I know, I guess. Just ... Yuna? She's the one who gave up everything. She should be happy, and she isn't, so what gives me the right, you know?" She shook her head. "So I feel guilty about being happy, but not enough to go back and be miserable. Fun, huh?"
It wasn't her business, but... "You ... you have the right, too. To be happy. You know? I mean, you have to go back, for your family and to fix things, but ... I don't know."
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"I think the question to ask is, would she want you to be happy?" Isabel asked, reaching for yet more chocolate. "But I know what you mean. When I came here, I left my brothers home in Roswell to deal with all the alien angst. Sometimes I felt guilty because I was having fun and they were trying to keep themselves alive."
"I'm trying. Sometimes I have to fake it. But more often then not, lately it's real."
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"She, uh. She would, but that's because ... she's nicer than me. She'd want anyone to be happy and never worry about herself at all, and just be sad and miserable." She shook her head. "And ... maybe it's the same thing, you know? Maybe you coming here is ... you'll be able to go back and help them. I mean, really help them, and you wouldn't if you didn't?"
"Maybe this all happens for a reason, and we're all here to ... help each other." She smiled a bit wistfully. "And ... and I'm glad. That you're happy, here. It's ... it's an incredible place."
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"Ultimately I hope I can help them. But even if I can't, I still want to be there with them." She nodded, smiling at Rikku's words. "Yeah, it is an incredible place. My life would be so different if I hadn't come here."
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And then sat up straighter. "Oh, wow, not that anyone where you're from is gonna get killed, because ... I didn't mean ... please tell me that did not sound as bad as I think it did."
Facepalming meant more chocolate. "I think everyone's would have. I wonder if this place is some kind of ... I don't know. I don't know if I believe in destiny and all that. Maybe I should. Maybe we're supposed to be here. And ... learn some things, to fix where we're from. Not just machina, but ... I don't know."
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"That's the best explanation I've ever heard for this place. I've learned a lot being here. Not just facts but things about myself that I never would have expected."
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She considered. "It's oddly reassuring, thinking that. That we're all supposed to be here and ... and that it's part of some bigger thing. We help each other out and help our universes out and ... wow. Makes your head spin a little, yeah?"
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